I am a Blue Belt in Taekwondo and that means jack shit.

Before I begin this article (joke’s on you, it’s already started!), I want to say that I love Taekwondo. It has done wonders for me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have better focus, and balance too – literal balance, not any of that “life balance” bullshit (read my first article to see how I’m doing in that department).

I never joined any martial art, never had any interest really, because I thought the whole concept of martial arts with the belts, the uniforms, the rankings, the bowing (the fucking bowing!), etc was all just superficial poppyshit. And you know what? It is superficial poppyshit – for the most part. I’m torn with this article because there is so much I love about Taekwondo, and yet, so much hate because I either A) Don’t understand what the fuck is happening, or B) Get frustrated by the meaningless menagerie of ministries mitigated mainly by muted motivations and massive misunderstandings! Look, I know this article might seem a bit esoteric at first, but just stick with me and I promise this will all make even less sense by the end.

Of all the things that I hate and love about Taekwondo, the 5 tenets are certainly in that group (which group? Jesus, I don’t know – pick one). And by Taekwondo I mean the ITF not the WTF, the GTF, the ATA, the Jhoon Rhee, etc, fucking etc. Oh, you thought there was just one association? Sit down and listen before I Knife-Hand you in the throat.

The 5 Tenets of Taekwondo are as follows:

• Courtesy
• Integrity
• Perseverance
• Self-Control
• Indomitable Spirit

Pretty neat huh? But how the hell can you live your life to the fullest with these wacky tenets going through your mind all the time? Indeed, why do it at all? Here’s the quick answer: you can’t. I know I can’t. And what’s with my opening line? Do I really think being a Blue Belt, and all the hard work it took to get the Blue Belt means jack shit? The answer (yes, I do) lies ahead in the article.

Another thing that prompted me to write this article is my incredible insecurity. I don’t think too highly of myself (hell, at this point, I would welcome thinking low of myself!) Consider this an exercise in self-reflection, meditation, – and prayer? Which is weird coming from an atheist, granted; but, if you think about it, who the hell am I even talking to? The reader? The universe? God? (lol, no). Myself? Who the hell knows, but it helps me in some weird, mind-fuck kind of way because I’m going to try and practice each tenet as I write about it. And if you don’t think much of yourself either, then this article is especially for you; fair warning though; this article is going to hit you right in the heart like a Guarded-Spear-Hand.

So, take my hand as drag you deeper into the inner workings of Taekwondo and my own perspective as someone who has studied this martial art for almost a year. Yes, only one year. If that sounds like a short amount of time to formulate an opinion on a life-long practice to you, then fuck you, go blow me. First tenet! –

 

1. COURTESY – 예의

Don’t be an asshole

It’s incredibly easy to do; especially to others, even if you have to fake it (something I often do). It’s also really good for humanity as a whole. If everyone just treated each other with respect and courtesy, the world be a greater blah blah blah – but this isn’t about others, is it? This is about you, ya selfish bastard; and, more importantly, me.

Here’s a tough question; can you be courteous to yourself? Can you look at yourself and say, “Y’know what? You are an excellent human being. You deserve the great things in life because you are awesome!” Can you say that in the mirror with a shit-eating grin? Does the fact that there are people who can genuinely do that without any sense of irony make you want to punt a toddler?

My problem is that I have no idea where self-love ends and self-confidence begins; and, dammit, no one I talk to seems to know either. Are they the same? Different? Friends? Friends with benefits? Here’s my problem: I know I’m great at many things. I know I’m a decent writer, I know I’m an awesome conversationalist, a pretty okay pianist, I’m good at the video game Street Fighter. I know I’m fairly attractive, I have good makeup skills, yes I could lose some weight, but I’m still cute, I have awesome legs (both aesthetically, and in practice – ladies . . . fellas . . . ), and I have deep, meaningful, soulful eyes. I also recognize the hard, painful journey of growing up as a transgender woman in midwest, conservative America: an obstacle and accomplishment of which I am incredibly proud.

Yet, all of that being said, the fact that I hate myself still lingers in the air and won’t go away like the skunky smell of burnt popcorn. And, like burnt popcorn, I need to do something about it before people catch privy of my shortcomings and insecurities of something that should be fairly simple: that is, fucking love myself (and correctly microwaving popcorn).

Why do I hate myself? How can I be so self-confident, and yet, so self-loathing at the same time? So sure of myself, yet so insecure? I don’t know. It’s a question I’ve pondered for centuries. And perhaps “hate” is a strong word. It’s not like I constantly bring myself down, or tell myself that I’m a worthless piece of shit, or say to myself that, yes, I am talented, I am attractive, I am hard working, I am fun to be around, I am a Blue Belt in Taekwondo – and all that means jack shit because I don’t deserve happiness.

Okay, maybe I do bring myself down a little. And if this is bringing you down, don’t worry; this is only the first tenet! It can only get better from here . . . right?

I know this feels like a pseudo-sequel to my first article (and perhaps it is; although I never intended it to be. I’m letting my mind go, and my fingers flow), but instead of whining and crying out for help, I’m finally going to do something about it.

So let’s do this – with the help of Taekwon-fuckin’-do!

Here we go: COURTESY; may General Choi’s spirit be with us, and all of us. And as Kiko Kiera observed:

“You, Kiko, are a good person. You, Kiko, are a decent person. You, KIko, are loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved.I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved.”

Hey, wanna hear a story about when I almost killed myself? Sure ya do, it’ll be fun! Around this time last year, a bunch of my friends and I were planning a group vacation to New Orleans. Long story short: the clutch went out in my car about a week before the trip, and the cost to fix it was $2100.00, so I couldn’t go. Also, all the shifts were covered at work, so I had to keep my vacation. With all my friends gone, and not being able to work to keep me busy, I was literally alone. Around the second day (yeah, the second day), the loneliness was unbearable. By the third day, I was considering downing a bottle of sleeping pills. By the fourth, hanging myself (a bit dramatic, I know, but hey; film student and all). To stop these thoughts I had to look in the mirror and repeat “I am loved” over and over; until I cried myself to sleep. I cried because I didn’t believe it.

I’m much better now; therapy helped.

Courtesy is hard, but possible. Do I have flaws? Have I done things in the past I regret? Fuck yeah! Who the hell hasn’t? The best we can do is not be an asshole – especially to ourselves. As much as I would like someone (anyone!) to tell me that I am not an asshole, it doesn’t do much good if I don’t believe it.

And you can’t fake it either. I volunteered for the Ozarks Literacy Council just because I thought that’s what “good people do”; help children who have a hard time reading to become better readers (also to impress the girl I was dating), but it didn’t help! I mean, I was good at it; under my reign, those little shits were leaping over reading levels like a horny, meth-raddled Zoboomafoo.

Yet, even though I was doing a good thing, it wasn’t very satisfying for me. Maybe it’s because we’re all responsible for our own happiness; for our own contentment. And if we can’t find it, then we have to search for it through trial and error. But we have to be honest with ourselves; we have to know that, deep down, we are not good, perfect beings; and that’s okay. We have to accept ourselves; the good and the bad. One way to work on that is by having a strong sense of –

 

2. INTEGRITY – 염치

Don’t be a dishonest, immoral asshole

Some would say: “Do the right thing, even when no one is watching you.” Or maybe: uphold yourself to a high moral compass, even when it scares the shit out of you.

How can integrity be scary, you ask? Think about that one time you should have done something, but you didn’t; and now you have this lingering sense of guilt. A guilt that won’t go away; it hangs on like a fat tick sucking the blood from your mind. I mean, we all have something like that in our past. (right?) And if you don’t, you’re either a goddamn liar, or a robot. And if you are a robot, are you, like, a sex robot or something?

It may be anything: small or big; life-changing or just a bad Tuesday, but there has to be something from your past; something you did that you feel guilty about. We’ll get to mine in a sec, but it’s important that you understand where I’m coming from; because integrity only works when you can make a very tough decision in the moment. Maybe you broke a promise to someone? Maybe you could have easily helped someone in their time of need, but didn’t? Got something yet? Feel bad about it, ya dick? Good. Here’s mine:

I didn’t attend my brother’s funeral. I won’t go into specifics (why stop now?), but he asked me to be a pallbearer before he died. He was dying of cancer in Texas and we (as a family) drove all the way from Missouri to see him on his last days. The image of my brother dying is something I have never been able to forget. It will always be in the back of my head, and it seems to grow every year (like a cancer); invading my thoughts at the most inconvenient times. His wife told me that he wanted me to be a pallbearer at his funeral. That request was the tipping point for me. I didn’t want to accept my brother’s very soon, and inevitable, death. I didn’t want to see him die. I didn’t want to see him in a casket. I didn’t want to be there. After a day or two of seeing my brother decay (physically and mentally) in front of my eyes, I couldn’t take it. I asked my parents to take me back to Missouri. They told me that his death could be at any moment; I said I didn’t care. I used the piss-poor excuse that I was in college and I couldn’t miss anymore days or else I could fail my classes. With reluctance, they drove me back to Missouri.

My brother died on the way there – without my parents present.

They dropped me off at my dorm and then rushed all the way back to Texas for his funeral. Sorry Dad.

I am a selfish piece of shit. And before you disagree, did I mention the time I missed my Grandfather’s funeral because it conflicted with my spring break plans? How do you like me now, bitches?

The guilt from that decision to run away, abandoning my brother and most of my family when we needed each other, haunts me to this day – as it should. We all have moments like that. The best we can do is use these past events as a reminder that we can be better in the future; that we can build a strong foundation of integrity by taking guilty memories and learning from them Sure, these memories hit hard, like a Turning-Side-Kick, but getting through them is possible by showing a shit-ton of –

 

3. PERSEVERANCE – 인내

Continue not being a dishonest, immoral asshole

This may be the hardest of the tenets to put into practice because you have to not be an asshole to yourself all day, e’eryday. How the hell can that be possible, you ask? Same way you get to Carnegie Hall – you can’t. It’s impossible. I mean, come on; Carnegie Hall?

Let me tell you something that may ruin every movie you’ve ever seen: perseverance doesn’t guarantee success. Just because you try your best and practice something every day, doesn’t mean you’ll eventually be great at it: because there is always going to be someone who practiced more than you; or someone who is just naturally good at it with very little practice.

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but the uncertainty of success shouldn’t discourage your decision to keep practicing; or to keep doing what you love. I may never be a best-selling author, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t continue writing. Why? Because I love writing; I’ve always loved it.

Let me tell you a little something about myself. I have a problem: it’s a problem that’s been with me since grade school: I have an unhealthy reliance on external validation. In other words, I thrive on how others think of me. It’s so bad that I haven’t been able to form an opinion of myself for years. I look in the mirror sometimes, and it’s like there’s someone else staring back. I mean, I know it’s me (I’m not a goddamn moron), but it feels like a stranger; and, for some reason, she is severely disappointed in me; and I fucking believe her! That’s the insane things about all this mind-fuck of a fucking mind that’s mine and mine alone (and all alone; in my head). I have to stop believing her (me?) by chiseling away with supportive and positive thoughts about myself, and not from anyone else; and what’s harder, I have to believe it. And perhaps you’re like this too, and if you are; welcome to the fucking club! Did you get the free guilt-infused burritos?

How do you chisel away? Perseverance baby! Once again, being great at something shouldn’t be the goal; you just have to be better than you were yesterday. This goes with everything: from being self-positive with your selfish self, to anything else like . . . I don’t know, crushing turnips with kagels or some shit, pick something. All you have to do is look at yesterday; and if you’re just inches better today, then you’re doing fucking awesome, you rock star you. Because, eventually, those inches build up. Soon, you’ll be looking at how much better you are now than a week ago; eventually a month ago, eventually a year ago. People will come up to you and say, “Wow! You’re pretty good at that!” and you’ll thank them, but you won’t believe it. You won’t believe it because, to you, it’s just the product of small inches of work that you put in every day.

When I get to that point, hopefully I can deplete myself of this crazy fascination with external validation. One day in the future (because right now it’s beyond the fucking horizon) but perhaps one day, I can honestly be proud of myself. One day, I might be able to look in the mirror, see this incredible woman before me and smile with confidence knowing that I don’t need the validation of others to see that I am an amazing human being.

By the way, let me know what you think of this article and all the other articles I’ve written in the comments below! Next fucking tenet! –

 

4. SELF CONTROL – 극기

Continue not being a dishonest, immoral asshole; even when life really wants you to

Perseverance is fine and all, but there will be times when you just can’t take it. Perhaps you’ll have an incredible setback: maybe you’ll strain a muscle during your morning auto-fellatio practice (and you were so close!). Whatever the reason, setbacks happen; and it’s easy to hate yourself when you do.

Whipping this throbbing dick of an article full circle, let’s talk about Taekwondo again. The other day, I practiced my Jumping Turning Side Kick, and I couldn’t get it down. Now, there are numerous wonders that occur in nature, but getting my fat ass of the ground by jumping!, while turning!, while side-kick!; is not one of them. Every time I jumped, I couldn’t get enough air time to spin around and throw out a kick before landing. It made me flashback to my days in elementary school gym class: which is hell for a little fat kid like myself. Every failed attempt at those damn kicks felt like those little shit-sucking kids from gym class laughing at me.

I was embarrassed and felt defeated. By the end of class, I was in tears. My instructor asked me what was wrong, I told her I was too fat to get the jumps, and I started crying. She walked over to me, looked me in the eyes and slapped me across the face – “Quit throwing this fucking Pity-Party!”* she said. *violence and cursing added for effect. “You have worked so hard and you’ve made it this far. Just keep going and you’ll get it!” Her positive attitude has always nicely balanced out my . . . whatever the hell I have.

It’s so easy to lose self-control when life gets you down isn’t it? But that’s the great thing about life! Of all the unpredictable, uncertain things that life has prepared for us, hiding in the shadowy corners of our very short time on this Earth; we can always take solace that there is one guarantee: one thing that life cannot surprise us with and it is this: Life is going to explosively cum on your face at the most inopportune times.

 

 

And when it does, just tell life that it’s okay, it’s fine, it happens to everyone. Lick it off, take a breather, get back into the rhythmic groove, and keep going; because, without warning, life is going to keep cumming.

The next Taekwondo class I had, my jumps were slightly higher . . . thanks Instructor!

Look, just because life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, doesn’t mean you should wallow in self-pity all the time. And it definitely doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try your hardest to continue doing what you’re trying to accomplish. For every setback you face (and overcome!) it makes you stronger. It makes you smarter. Eventually, your spirit becomes indomitable . . . Hey! That bring us to –

 

5. INDOMITABLE SPIRIT – 백절불굴

Continue not being a dishonest, immoral asshole, even when life really wants you to; as a strong, unwieldy, life-long philosophy

All of the tenets of Taekwondo lead to this. Can you become unyielding, or immovable in truly loving the person you are; while breaking through every obstacle that comes your way?

Although I’ve only published 3 articles (for free!), I have written most of my life; I was just too afraid to let the world see. I would look at what others had done; and what success they had achieved, and I would feel like a failure for not even trying.

Would you like a harsh truth? Whatever goal you set out to achieve, there are going to be people every step of the way telling you that you will never be the best, or that you’ll never achieve immaculate success.

 

And you know what – they’re right.

 

I mean, Jesus Christ, do you know how many writers actually get to the top ten bestselling list, (hint: it’s 10), or how many are successful enough to write for a living? Very few. And, you know what, that’s okay. I write because it makes people happy (well, my first article was kind of a downer, but you get the idea), and that makes me happy. Would I like to write for a living? Fuck yeah! I’m not a complete idiot. And if any prospective employers are reading this . . . I promise I can write with less profanity; and slightly fewer cum jokes. The point is: the very certain possibility of failure shouldn’t deter you from trying. I know this sounds like shit you’ve heard since grade school, so I’ll “Kiko” it up for you; YOU WILL FAIL MOTHERFUCKER! And you’ll fail, and fail, and fail, and fail and fail again – and each time you fail, you’ll get slightly better. While I’m at it, I might as well pull this bandage off as quick as possible: you will not be the best, you’ll never be the top, and success is not a guarantee.

Now repeat after me: “That. Is. Okay.”

Why is it okay? Because you’re not doing it to be the best, you’re doing it for you. You’re doing it so you can finally look at yourself with a shit-eating grin and say, “You know what? You are an excellent human being.” without any sense of irony.

Sound impossible? Tell me about it. I’m a long way from that myself. The hate, the insecurity, the feeling of failure; they’re all still there. I have to push against it until I break through. Indomitable spirit.

 

I started Taekwondo almost a year ago when I was in a very dark place. And although the bureaucracy between the different associations and schools can get annoying, and sometimes I get confused by the ranking systems; practicing the art of Taekwondo has helped me in ways I could have never imagined.

A special and heartfelt thanks to the amazing owners and instructors at the Springfield Martial Arts Center in Springfield, MO. You guys have no idea how much you have pushed me to become a better person. I have put so much blood sweat and tears into my progress so far.

 

I am a Blue Belt in Taekwondo – and I couldn’t be prouder.

 

Now, excuse me while I go violently hate-fuck a mirror.