It’s been over a year since I kind of fell off the ol’ blog train. It was a mix of Covid, depression, and looking for myself (still looking by the way). 

I’m not the only one either. A lot of folks went through hell the past couple of years. At least we can trot through brimstone together, huh? I mean, that’s what makes this whole mess bearable; strangers and friends – going through life’s problems together. 

Unfortunately for me, my biggest friend, or acquaintance rather, was (is?) depression. I had my worst anxiety attacks in the past year. An attack by a pushy dark stranger that constantly lambastes my thoughts and feelings. It constantly tells me I’m not good enough, that my friends don’t care about me, that the ones I love wouldn’t dare love me back –

Hey! I think I’m having an attack right now! 

It’s small and mostly mental, but it’s still there. Like a tall hooded bully in a dark room, whispering in my ear; filling me with a slow numbness. I think I’ll call him Mr. Numby.  It’s the reason I’m writing today. Writing is my therapy; the only one that’s worked anyway. We’ll see if I publish it or not. 

Mr. Numby’s whispers inject me with some sort of emotional anesthetic. All the activities or hobbies I usually enjoy feel like a massive undertaking to even consider. I close everything and everyone off. I’m alone. I try to break out of it: I’ve written a text to someone I love to see if she wants to go eat a sandwich about three times now, and then delete the text immediately; never sending it. What if she says no? What if she says yes?

I don’t have a yearning for doing something fun, I have a yearning for experiencing fun. There’s a difference. I’m sitting here doing a jigsaw puzzle, a hobby that usually brings calm, contentedness, and joy; yet I’m on the verge of a breakdown. 

The only comfort is food. Not a good combination. 

It will pass. It always does. 

My dark acquaintance will go away for a while; until he comes back. Having a dog helps. He’s probably confused about why I’m crying on his shoulder, but he takes it in stride. What a guy. 

To all of you who feel alone, I hope you find comfort in knowing that you aren’t truly alone. There are a bunch of folks like you doing their best. And maybe, in this crazy world, that’s all you need to do right now, the best you can. Does that mean taking a walk? Or perhaps listening to a song? Or maybe even sitting up in bed and taking a deep breath? Whatever it is, you can do it and it will be enough; for now. Remember, you are worth it, and no one is worth more.

Mr. Numby still hangs about, he never truly goes away, but I think I can enjoy my puzzle a bit more now. You’d be surprised how much writing out your feelings helps. Make a journal if you can. You don’t have to publish it. It can be just for you, and you alone. 

I mean, who wants to let their deepest emotional moments loose on the internet?

— Kiko